


Ianto's story

by willowmellontree



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Depression, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28556820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowmellontree/pseuds/willowmellontree
Summary: Ianto's story starts when his mother dies one day. He can't cope with being alone with his Tad or without Rhiannon being there. Both school and home don't feel safe and no one can seem to help until Ianto finds himself in a place he never imagined he would be in.WARNING: Please don't read it if you feel that you can't.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Kudos: 21





	1. Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Don't ask why this came into my head because I really don't know.  
> I also don't know why I put it onto here either or why I might continue writing it though it won't be updated until I'm in this certain mood.
> 
> If you don't think you can handle reading it, then please don't.

Cold, dark, lonely.

Unloved, Unwanted, Unworthy.

Useless, weird…

"What am I doing this for?" I ask my therapist. "Remembering what they call me will not make me better."

My therapist, Sheila, was probably the worst one I'd ever had and yes, I had had a lot.

"Ianto, you're sixteen, you have time to get better." She tells me with that creepy smile she always puts on. "I thought that writing all of those bad words down will help get it out of your mind."

I leant back in my chair and sighed. I've gone through seven therapists. Seven people pretending they care just because the pay's good. Sheila isn't really a therapist. She just comes into school twice a week to decode everything that's going on with every teenager in the school.

Apart from those lucky enough not to need it or those few people who have people who care about them enough to pay for private sessions.

It's not as if my Tad doesn't have the money to pay for one, it's just that he's normally the one who says all of those words.

I don't know how this started or what it is, but I think I know why. Four years ago, my sister Rhiannon moved in with her boyfriend in Newport. She was only my age then, but Mam let her go. Anywhere was better than what she was living in before.

Then, a year after that, Mam became ill. Really ill. I never knew what was wrong with her, but one day she wasn't there anymore. She was dead, and that's when everything started.

Tad drank more and stayed out later and came back in the early hours of the morning. I could handle that. The less time I had to be with him, the better. Sometimes he got in a rage and broke things. He threw away everything that belonged to Mam and took every opportunity he could to shout those words at me.

He must've been grieving a lot, but it still hurt. I couldn't help myself, and I believed him. I know I'm just being stupid about it. It's only a few ridiculous words, but they tear through me like a… well, like a knife, I suppose.

I can't really say anymore. There are certain things that just make me freeze to the spot. I go all tense and my mind wanders to places I honestly don't want it to go to.

Sheila's looking at me like she's about to ask ridiculous questions. Damn, I must've stopped responding.

"What are you thinking about, Ianto?" She asks.

Should I tell the truth and make the session run on for longer, or lie and be let out early? I know I should tell her, but there could be someone who needs this more than me. Maybe someone who can get better. "What to get Tad for his birthday." It was a pitiful lie, but it's the first one that entered my head. I left without Sheila saying I could and I made my way to the last class of the day, which was p.e.

I used to love doing sport until all this happened. It's hard to explain why I don't anymore… Let's just say there're a few boys in my class that share my Tads love of saying a few words.

It's just one of those things. It happens and I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does. Maybe I get's to me because everything they say is true.

The lesson flew past without a hitch. Actually, it was horrible. It's January, it's raining and we're in shorts. I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.

Going home is the best part of the day, and it always has been. Now for different reasons than it was before.

A few years ago, going home with Mam, Rhiannon and I getting fish and chips on the way home while Tad was at work. Now it means the empty void in between the two hells or maybe the eye of the storm. I live on Alexandra Road, so it's a long walk from school to there. It gives me eighteen minutes if I walk fast and half an hour if I go slow, which I normally do. I have time to hide everything away deep into my mind where I hope it will stay.

I walk into the house and notice that no one's in. I feel myself letting go of a breath I didn't know I was holding. I should be used to that by now. It happens every day. Tomorrow's Saturday. I told Tad I have a detention tomorrow so I could be on my own.

The problem is that I told Tad I have a detention tomorrow. I wasn't thinking, but I should've guessed what his reaction was going to be. Deep breath.

I stand in the hallway for a bit before deciding it would be better if I went straight to bed.

Only that was a mistake.

Tad shouted that he told me this morning he was going to deal with me when he got back. I've never been more scared in that moment than I ever have. I can't cry because it'd just prove I was weak.

He left my room. Probably to get another drink or collapse on his bed for the next ten hours.

I've got to go. I can't wait for tomorrow, I have to leave now! Trying to be as quiet as possible, I put a few clothes in my school bag along with a few items I couldn't possibly live without (such as the last thing my Mam gave me, a pocket watch, and a photograph from when we were a family.) I got out of my uniform and put on some jeans, a top and a hoodie and waited. I waited until I couldn't hear movement. If Tad caught me, he'd probably kill me.

Dark, empty, lonely.

If I've been feeling anything over the last few years, it's been that. I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore or talk to anyone or think anything. I just want to curl up into a ball and …

Not the best thing to think about.

I manage to slip out of the door into the Cardiff night air. I have no idea where I'm going. I can think of a few places, though. I could go to the river or the bay or I could see the trains.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!? I CAN'T THINK LIKE THIS. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK LIKE THIS. Or maybe I am. Maybe I'm supposed to be surrounded by the darkness forever. I'm stuck and I don't think I can get out. Not on my own, anyway. But where am I going to find someone who cares?

There's only one place I've heard, and It's only half an hour away. One of Rhiannon's friends went a few months ago. I took a deep breath and walked and walked and I didn't stop. I went through the door. I can't believe I just walked myself to a Mental Hospital.

A woman comes towards me with worry written all over her face.

"Are you alright?" She asks.

I let everything go. I couldn't stop myself. Tears roll down my face like a steam train and I couldn't stop them.

Not knowing how long it took, I finally calmed down. Well, I stopped crying.

"I need help." I heard myself say. I don't think I have any control over what I say and do anymore. "I can't do this anymore." I admitted.

And this moment was the first time I had felt any hope since Mam died.


	2. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to write it in present tense but it keeps going into past tense.

A few people came into the reception area. I think they’re nurses. Not that I am paying attention to what is going on around me.

“Lets get you somewhere warmer.” One of them is saying. She’s not moving to touch me or anything like someone else would do. I follow her through a door and she leads me to a sofa. I sit on, take my shoes off and hug my knees so I can still feel held together. I’m dreading what she’s going to ask, as she opens her mouth, but no questions come out.

Instead she says, “You’re not alone. We’ll work through this together.”

I’m astonished. She doesn’t even know my name, and she’s trying to help me. I didn’t know people did that anymore.

She’s studying me with no attempt to make me feel uncomfortable. She means no harm, and I know that because I’m good at reading people. I can always tell what everyone else is feeling, and she’s being… calm.

“My name is Cariad. Cari for short.” She tells me.

Cariad is the Welsh word for Love. I’ve never heard it as a name before, but it suits her. It’s like she was made to care.

“I’m Ianto.” I tell her.

She smiles. It’s a genuine smile. A smile you can trust and if there’s one thing that I can make out of this mess, it’s that I need someone to trust.

“Ianto, I’m going to ask you some questions. Is that alright?” She asks.

My brain’s gone into overdrive and I can’t think properly, so I nod.

She smiles again and leans forward slightly in the chair she’s sitting in. “It’s alright if you can’t answer any of these. No one’s going to make you do anything you don’t want to.” She says. “First, I need to ask if anyone knows you’re here?”

I shake my head.

“Would you mind telling me how old you are?”

“Sixteen.” I answer. “I’ll be seventeen in August.” I know she’s trying to put off the harder questions.

Cari takes a deep breath. She must be nervous. I don’t think she’s been here very long. “What are you feeling at the moment?”

“Nothing.” It’s a simple question, really. Just one that’s hard to answer. “Everything. Like I’m drowning in thick mud and it’s filling my lungs bit by bit, but I’m not dying.” I got an A* in my last English test. I’m allowed to be descriptive, but it’s not dramatic because it’s how I really feel.

“Do you want to die?” She asks.

“Yes.” I don’t hesitate. It scared me a little, if I had to be honest. Though I don’t think I want to die 100% because I’m here. I had to cross a tall bridge to that was over a river to get here, so there must be a bit of me that doesn’t want to die. I’m going to hold on to that one bit as much as I can, just in case everything gets better. If it doesn’t, then I have a lot of tall buildings to choose from.

“What are you thinking about?” She asks calmly.

I shrug my shoulders. “I want to get better.” I tell her. I’m not saying any more about it because it’ll take all night.

I feel her relief as she stands up and holds out her hand. “I think you should stay here tonight and we’ll talk to a Doctor tomorrow. How does that sound?”

I nod, seeing as it didn’t need a verbal answer. We go down a corridor and up a few flights of stairs before we stand in front of a door. Cari opens it and inside is a small room with a single bed, which was neatly made. The room was bland, but all it needed was some personal touch.

“This is one of our 24 hour watch rooms. The door is slightly open at all times and someone will be in every so often to see how you’re doing.” Cari explains. “Do you have night clothes in your bag?”

“Yeah.” I tell her.

“There’s a bathroom across the hall where you can get changed. I’ll wait here for you.” She explained.

I paused before I went to the bathroom. “I suppose you’ll want to look through my bag.”

She nods. “It’s a rule that we have to follow for your safety. We’ll do it together once you come back.”

Completely satisfied with this answer, I went to the bathroom with my pyjamas and spent five minutes getting dressed and another three to look in the mirror. It wasn’t a real mirror. I’d be a little worried if it was. So, I was going to sleep in a room that was being constantly monitored by people who really care. Honestly, I don’t see why anyone bothers. It’s not like I’m important or anything.

I walk out of the bathroom before Cari came to find me. She’s leaning against the door frame with one of those mini pots of pasta in her hand.

“Oh Ianto, I brought you this in case you had had nothing to eat yet.” She explains.

It’s a friendly gesture, and I was hungry. I take the pot and thank her before we both go into the room and sit on the bed. She brought the bag over and plonked it between up while I started snacking on the pasta. It smelt strongly of garlic, but I like garlic, so it’s fine.

Cariad opened the stiff zip of my rucksack and pulled out my neatly folded clothes. “Looks like you’re planning to stay.”

“I hardly remember packing it.” I say with a steady voice.

She moved on to the next bits. I had kept some of my school books inside, just in case. Next was the pocket watch and the photo. “This your family?” She asks.

I sigh. “When we were a family. It was taken before mam died and my sister Rhiannon moved out.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, love.” She says. “And this?” She held the watch up.

I carefully take it from her. “Mam gave it me on my thirteenth birthday. She found it in an antique shop.”

She refolded the clothes and put them in the bag. “What about your Tad?”

“Probably hasn’t even noticed I’ve gone yet… probably won’t until tomorrow night. He wouldn’t care if I topped myself.” I tell her.

Cari put a hand on my arm. “What makes you say that.”

Should I tell her? Might be the best thing to do. “He’s the one that tells me to do it, regularly.”

“What’s his name?” She asks.

I tell her his name and where we live. It would’ve been the next question, anyway. I then ask if I can go to bed now and she says I could. Cari gives me a toothbrush and a flannel to wash, and then I went to bed.


	3. Ache

The first thing I notice when I wake up was that I wasn't in my bedroom. The mattress was softer; the sheets were white and there were bars on the window.

Then I remembered yesterday.

I nearly died.

Seems stupid now. I should've just ended it, but instead, I came here to waste everyone's time. Someone who really needed help last night could've got it, but I took the chance of, them.

There was a knock on the door and I sit up before Cari came in. "Good morning Ianto, did you sleep alright?"

Did I seriously sleep through the whole night without screaming halfway through because of a dream?

"I… I think." I tell her.

Cari smiled. "That's good then. I've booked you in for an emergency appointment with Dr Priddy. It's at quarter to ten, so you have plenty of time to get ready." She tells me. "We'll go down to the breakfast hall after, then straight to your appointment."

I didn't exactly want to go to the appointment because I hate doctors, ever since they couldn't save my mam. Well, I'm assuming they couldn't save her. Never found out how she died. No one ever told me.

She goes, and I get dressed into something comfortable. I wait for around ten minutes before Cariad comes back in and takes me to the breakfast hall. It's just like every hospital canteen ever. A big food bar lining one side of the wall, disposable paper cups and plastic cutlery.

"They give everyone the same amount of things to use each meal and we count them when they finish so they can't sneak anything out of the breakfast hall." She explains.

It makes sense; I suppose. We go closer to the food bar and I'm surprised. There's cereal, toast, fruit and croissants with butter and jam. I always assumed these places just served yesterday's, cold porridge or something. They probably did that a hundred years ago.

She tells me to get something while she goes to check on the other patients. There's two sections, the inpatients and the outpatients, but the outpatients only had a few tables. They probably didn't get many people coming in for appointments and staying for a meal.

I grab myself a slice of toast with Jam and a cup of orange juice before I go over to an empty table to eat it. It's slightly awkward. There's so many people around and they're all in their own little worlds in different situations, but they're all the same. They're here to get better, so why am I here wasting all the Doctors and nurses' time when everyone here needs more help than I do?

Cari comes over and sits opposite me with a half eaten banana. "How're doing?" She asks.

I just shrug and eat another bite of toast. It's actually tasty. "I'm alright, I suppose."

Cari smiles and talks about some random stuff. I'm not really listening. It comes in through one ear and out of the other. Why is she doing this? She doesn't need to pretend to be nice. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of it… "Why're you helping me?" I ask.

I think she realised that I wasn't listing and the smile that was on her face is no longer there. I expect her to say that she's only doing her job, or that it's the right thing to do.

"I'll tell you the truth." She says. "Last night when you came through the doors, I could tell you were terrified and desperate. In your eyes, I saw that you had a tiny glimmer of hope left but it was slipping away and you wanted to grab onto it but you needed someone else to do it with you. I'm helping you because I want to and because."

Oh. I wasn't expecting that. I felt tears stinging the corners of my eyes, but I push them back. No one had told me they cared since Mam.

Cari puts a hand on my arm and I take a deep breath. "You've got so much life left in you Ianto and I'm not saying it's going to be easy to get better, because believe me, it's one of the hardest things I've had to do. Once you've finished your breakfast, we'll go to the Doctor."

I nod and finish my toast. Then I realised. "Have you been in this situation before?"

"A long time ago now." She tells me.

She said that like she's an old woman, but she can't be any older than thirty, maybe thirty-five.

Once I was ready, Cari leads me down another corridor until we reached a door which she knocks on. We then enter and there's a man inside sitting at a desk full of papers. The office is small and white with shelves scattered on the wall, with files on them. The man in question looks experienced. He looks like he's in his late fifties, and he has specs on his nose.

"Bora Da Dr Priddy, this is Ianto Jones."

Doctor Priddy smiles and clicks his pen before writing something on a paper. "Thank you, nurse Evens."

She gives me a reassuring smile before she leaves the room. On the way, she explained to me that she would wait on the chairs outside, just in case. I sit down on a spare chair in the office and Doctor Priddy turns back to look at me.

"I'm Doctor Priddy, but if it would make you comfortable, then call me Martin." He turns back to his notes. "It says here that you were born 19th August 1983, so that would make you sixteen. Born in the Valleys, moved to Cardiff when you were six. You have a grandmother in Hengoed and a sister in Newport." The Doctor looks at me again. "Is this correct?"

I nod. "It is, sir." I say. My Tad told me that I have to address people of importance as Sir or Ma'am. He said it shows how well I was brought up.

He's silent for a while. I can tell he's studying my face and maybe body language.

"Ianto, could you tell me why you're here?" He asks.

What kind of question is that? I'm here because I'm… I want to… I don't know! Ok. I'm here. Last night I had a choice. Here or at the bottom of a river. Why am I here when I'd prefer to be at the bottom of the River? Wait, scrap that. Most of me wants to be at the bottom of the river, but the tiniest bit of me wants to be here. I know my answer now. "Because it was either here or being dead."

He nods slowly, like he's satisfied with the answer. "Do you want to die?"

"Yes." Once again, I don't hesitate. My brain isn't even catching up with what comes out of my mouth anymore. I think I'm talking from my heart.

"Why do you want to die?" He asks.

I lean forward and wrap my arms around myself. I can't look at him, so I focus on the corner of his desk and sigh. Now's for the truth that I didn't even want to admit to myself. Saying that I want to die is fine, but the reason was going to be hard to say out loud because I know exactly what everyone's reaction would be. I open my mouth and try to say something, but nothing comes out. "I… I can't…"

Doctor Priddy writes something down. "That's fine, you don't have to say anything. "He puts his pen down and interlocks his fingers. "What's the situation with your dad?"

This question catches me off guard. "What do you mean, sir?"

"Last night you ran two miles in the dark from your house to here. Did he do anything?" He asks.

I can feel my breathing quicken up a little. What was Tad going to do when he found out I'd run away? He'd notice I wasn't there and then he's ring the school and then the police. If he found me, then he'd kill me. Or maybe he wouldn't care and just leave me alone, but this is Tad I'm talking about. He wouldn't want his little punch back to go wandering and tell on him. His word against mine. If he came here, then he'd say I was making it up.

"Take a deep breath." Doctor Priddy is saying. "It's alright Ianto, he's not going to hurt you. Not anymore."

I close my eyes and try to slow my breathing. I find something reassuring in that. He's not going to hurt me. Not anymore. Why am I working myself up about this?

The Doctor sighs. "If you want me to help you, then you need to tell me what he did. It doesn't have to be too much, but anything could help."

I have to say something, but I don't know what. Wait, I don't have to say anything. I have visible proof of what he does. I stand up, still with my eyes closed, and I take my top off before I turn my back to him. He reacts, I can hear him. He sees the result of years of my Tad getting drunk. He sees the scars of the many times glass has been thrown into my back every time I so much as breathe in a way he didn't like. It's been a few months since he did anything as bad as that, but it's still there. I put my top back on, but I don't turn around. "Can I go now?" My voice doesn't come out as anything above a whisper. "Please."

"Nurse Evens is outside. Yes, you can go if you don't want to say anything else at the moment." He says.

I open the door and step out. Cari is there with a smile, but the smile fades. A few tears escape from my eyes. "Oh, Ianto love. Come here."

I go to her and she wraps her arms around me. I start crying harder and I can't stop it. "I want to go home." I sob. "I want my mam! I just want the hurt to stop. I can't do it, Cari."

Cari sighs. "I know love. If I could bring her back, then I would. But you're not alone anymore, Ianto. Everyone in here wants you to get better and we'll help you."

It's hard. I'm not used to people saying nice things to me, so it's harder to believe them. It's much easier to believe someone telling me I shouldn't exist because I'm a waste of space.

Dr Priddy steps out of his office and takes one look at me. "Ianto, if it's alright with you, I want you to stay for six months. We'd be able to help you a lot better if you were here."

I take a deep breath and pull away from Cari's hug. "Alright."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you didn't put yourself through this angst, but if you did, then how was it? I don't think I've ever posted anything this dark before.


End file.
